Shattered dreams
by BlueSapphire92
Summary: How long before you dispose of me? Obi-wan doubts his place at his master's side.


**The song is 'Leave' by Matchbox 20. Lyrics are in _italic_. I think it fits rather well.**

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_It's amazing  
How you make your face just like a wall  
How you take your heart and turn it off  
How I turn my head and lose it all_

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_

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have you smile at me. Every day I try my best to be perfect but it is so hard when in reality I'm anything but. I just wish you would tell me what I'm doing wrong. Why am I such a failure in your eyes? I try to guess what you're thinking as I make another mistake but you're so distant. I can't read you and it's driving me insane. How can I make you proud when I don't know what you want me to do? I want to make you proud of me, I do, but I'm afraid that all I'll ever be is a disappointment. And I know I shouldn't be, it's unbefitting of a Jedi to feel fear but I can't help it. I wonder if I'll ever be a knight, if you'll ever see something good in me.

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_It's unnerving  
How just one move puts me by myself  
There you go just trusting someone else  
Now I know I put us both through hell_

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I know I'll never be enough for you. That all I've done will continue to haunt us until you'll finally realize I'm not worth the trouble. Seems like I can't do anything right, like you're waiting for me to screw up. And the worst part is that I'll prove you right. I'll go and do something stupid, reckless and you'll be there when it all goes wrong, watching me with that look in your eyes. The one that says you knew I was a failure all along. And I won't know what to do or say, except apologize. Apologize for not listening to you, for being just another disappointment. I know it's all my fault, I've seen you act different with other padawans. They look up to you, they're worthy of your kindness… so why keep me?

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_I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong  
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me  
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on  
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me_

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And even though you've never said you care for me, there's still this tiny flame of hope alive inside me. Yet now it seems like the candle's burned up. I know we aren't close, the bond we share still not strong. But I thought maybe in time I would prove my worth. Yet everyday the truth becomes clearer and I'm not sure what to do about it. I dread the day you will reject me for I know it will destroy me. All I ever wanted to be was a knight, but that dream's drifting further and further from my reach.

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_But if that's how it's gonna leave  
Straight out from underneath  
Then we'll see who's sorry now  
If that's how it's gonna stand, when  
You know you've been depending on  
The one you're leaving now  
The one you're leaving out_

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And even though you'll never admit it, I know you've been leaning on me. I was there when you were struggling with the past; I carried a part of your burden. I guess it was just convenient. You needed an outlet for you anger and I was there for you to use. And now you'll throw me away, like an object you no longer have need of. You never gave me your trust yet deep down I'm certain you knew I would always be there, even if you didn't want me. Pathetic, isn't it? You never cared for me but I know I'll always care for you.

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_It's aggravating  
How you threw me on and you tore me out  
How your good intentions turn to doubt  
The way you needed time to sort it out_

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In the beginning I was so excited. I was a padawan of the legendary master Jinn. I had never felt such joy and relief in my life as in the moment you accepted me as your apprentice. I guess every good thing comes to an end eventually. You made me believe I could be somebody and then you showed me I was nothing. It wasn't long before I realize why exactly you had taken me as your apprentice. You pitied me, I could see it in your eyes. I'm sure you regret your decision now. It hurts to know I was never really wanted. It's killing me to not know what you'll do with me. How long will it take before you make up your mind? How long until you dispose of me?

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**Please let me know what you think. I might make this a story if you want to. Though you should know I'm a very bad updater xp**

**xXx BlueSapphire92 xXx  
**


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